Why do I go from high to low
From wonder to withdrawing from life
Here I lie, bleeding into my words
Hoping they will save me from strife

What is this feeling that strips me from meaning and holds all I long for at bay
Making everything fleeting, pointless and demeaning, with nothing else really to say

How do I conquer this mountain I’m under where everything is just too burdened to face
Where time seems to slither slower than the trickle of tears down my face

There I sit telling people to embrace the trials that life must go through
Painting a place where all of it creates a version of self they aspire to

Yet here I am.
Destroyed and replaced
by demons of my own free will
Feeling erased, despondent and encased
In this filter I am seeing through

When will I be free of fluctuation?
Cease being tired of tribulation
Truly practice that which I preach

That effortless grace through imperfect days
Where I can see beyond defeat

Maybe never.

Maybe now,
Spilling this self into lines meant for liberation
Reminding myself these are moments for emancipation

Maybe there is a womb in my chest
And a sun in my mind.
A lion in my gut and a dancer in my stride.

Maybe there is an ocean of love around me and I am afraid of drowning, resisting exactly that which I need.
Too busy yearning for wants that are failing too free the warrior within me.

If this day is going to break me, then let my soul be freed to roam the universe, and find itself between stars.
If I must drown, then let my lungs fill with the breath of release, exhaling it all away.

I surrender to the forces that shape the sky and the earth, for if they form the universe then they will turn me into magnificence.

This is my deliverance.

Amen.